FELNEY TIMELINE

The breif history of the universe, and Felney in paticular. This also includes various historical things, slagging off religon, freemasonry and the government (I was an Anarchist when I started this after all, but am now a "Liberal Eurosceptic"). This used to be the "indicator of when things happened in my comic universe", but isn't any longer. For that check out the actual timeline

Time 0

The big bang creates the universe

 

4.65 Billion BCE

A big lump of rock forms around a big load of fire

 

3000 Million BCE

Water, life and other stuff appears on said lump of rock

 

65 Million BCE

A very loud bang

 

5 Million BCE

Large black lumps of stuff teach a caveman to be intelligent and help humanity evolve into a race of intelligent beings who help one another and work together for survival

 

4.99999999 Million BCE

Said caveman is killed and his head stuck on a pole by people who will later evolve into the Armies, Police forces and Football hooligans of the world

 

1000 BCE

Romans invade Britain, the fenland people fight against them and try to drive them back into the sea because they are bringing with them practices of not standing around all day in blue paint and your own shit, ancient fen traditions which have stood to this day (though with less paint and more shit now)

 

43

Romans invade again, manage this time and build a huge arch as the "gateway to Britain".. it falls down

 

49

The people of the fens revolt against the Romans again, probably the only time they ever do anything political, they are led by some queen with a weird name who rode around in a chariot, a predecessor to today's "girl racers"... if you're some boring BBC kids presenter.

 

June 17th 60

Emperor Nero faces criticism from some Romans that Britannia has descended into a total mire and is worse than before they invaded, and also that he only invaded to gain control of Lead and Gold in Celtic territory anyway, and it had nothing to do with the war on Christianity. He claims he is "Not one of the great oratorors"

 

410

The Romans leave Britain, but send Christianity over as a "goodbye gift", the dark ages of oppression, evil and superstition start

 

500

Saxons and Vikings attack England, some settle and start off a multicultural Britain, which the BNP deny ever existed (but then they also deny the holocaust happened) except, of course, in the fens, where they are a bit iffy about anyone marrying outside thier own family, let alone into one from a different country

 

666

A small village is founded on a hill in the fens, it is Named "Fenlye", after the Roman "Fenlius" which was a small fort on the site built to keep anyone local from following bodecia's example

 

745

Fenlye has a small church built, the locals ignore it

 

1000

Fenlye residents sacrifice 300 people as a millennium celebration, the population of Fenlye therefore decreases to two

 

1007

Mike smythe born, Aaron Anderson also born

 

1022

Mike, Aaron and their friend Tina move to Fenlye to find it has been renamed Felney, and that somehow, despite it being cut off by heavy flooding for 22 years the population has exploded to about 800, curiously all the people look very similar...

 

1032

A big cathedral is being built nearby in Ely.. Very slowly. Christianity starts to take over and pagans are immediately killed in the hundreds for being morally incorrect, and the usual witch burning and hatred starts. Luckily the three newcomers are atheist and the Christians of the day haven't started to hate them...yet

 

February 3rd 1034

A big monster attacks Felney before being killed by a lesbian with magic powers, the last exciting thing to happen in the fens, and how the then version of Tina became known as "The devils dyke", this legend was later twisted into some wierd and meangingless story through countless generations of people who didnt know how to write

 

1042

"Fenlye is a fmall village fillef witf the moft viyle of all of the chriftian menace whicf haf so far taken the livef of 3 of our researcherf, we will leavf the area af faft af we camef"-The domesday book mentions the backwards evil of Felney, using its old name. Felney and the whole fenland area stopped keeping up with the modern world in 1033 and has never looked back.. or forward as the case may be

 

1050

Morris dancers bring the earliest form of chemical warfare to Felney, they are stoned to death as suspected Satanists but they take their toll, mainly on the 3 people we where concentrating on who all died

 

1066

Norman conquest, a writer for the contemporary newsrag, "Ye sunne" named "Ricard of Lyttlejohnne" condemns the invasion and says it wasn't like that when he was a kid, and that staying in the post-roman mire and refusing all progress is "good common sense", he has his balls cut off, his stomach cut out, and both boiled up and fed to him as a type of strange haggis..if only they would do that today

 

January 11th 1100

Ely cathedral is finished

 

January 12th 1100

The main tower on Ely cathedral collapses on a choir, the local Christians kill 70 people who they think may have angered god and caused the collapse. Plus with all those dead chiorboys they have nobody to fuck, so they decide to invent "Ye internette" to swap child porn, unfortunately computers are not going to be invented for another 960 years.

 

July 17th 1213

The decomposing-peat-brick and thatched buildings that make up the entire village are destroyed in "The great fire of Felney", it burns for 7 seconds, 63 local gay people are blamed for the fire and killed

 

1214

Rebuilding work on Felney finishes, this time they used stone, another 20 gay people are killed because, as a contemporary report states "we felte lyke it"

 

1250

First attempts at draining the fens are made, all the workers drown while the lord who ordered it stands on a boat shouting "The water is supposed to be going THAT way! Idiots!"

 

1280

Scottish uprising in Scotland lead by William Wallace, several people from Felney go and join the English army and attempt to defeat the enemy using their stink alone, however thier awful cooking gave the english army "ye shyttes", which was apparently the reason why the better-trained and more numerous English army was defeated at the battle of bannockburn, not that any history books will tell you that...

 

1337

The heir to the English throne first holds the title of "teh duk3 0f c0rnw4ll", The people of the federated people's republic of Cornwall stage a revolt and hack through the poles holding up English flags using saws, the destruction was witnessed by a semi-literate welsh immigrant who had just arrived, his name for the revolutionaries, "Haxxors" somehow stuck

 

1533

Henry VIII dissolves the last monasteries in the Felney area...with concentrated acid, just to see if there's any cool looking effects. As a result anti-monarchy feelings are felt in the area for the first and only time

 

1588

Spanish armada defeated by the British Navy, who where using the equivalent of smart cars for the sea, while the Spanish where using SUG's (Sport Utility Galleons), which had loads of body roll, where really sluggish and exploded at random. The Spanish have to make their escape by sailing around Scotland, directly into a load of storms and treacherous reefs. They then sail a little way west and head directly south, until they run into something rather more solid than they where expecting, named Ireland. The leader of the fleet survived, moved to Britain and founded East Cambs District Council, where he is welcomed for his decision-making prowess.

 

1605

Guy fawkes is arrested in the basement of parliament with enough gunpowder to make a dent in the world, its believed his first words on capture where "Er, im looking after it for a friend?", he is then tortured for days hung, cut up, his heart is burned and his head is stuck on a stake, and thatís why chavs and hooligans charge round blowing up innocent children, minorities and gay people with fireworks every year since, to show their devotion to the monarchy, still, the king of the time, James 1st, got a bit full of himself and the victory really went to his head, before he lost it

 

1610

The fens are drained this time. The fen people look out across their beautiful landscape. Outsiders say it looks even more boring than it used to, then the stool gets kicked out from under them. The drainage was carried out by a Dutch engineer, who then suggested the fens would make a great multicultural arriving place for the Dutch and British to coexist as fellow human beings. He is ground up into little bits in some of his own machinery

 

1611 and one minute

The fenland earth shrinks and all the water floods back. Some 700 windmills are built to try and pump the water back into the rivers. They sink into the ground except for a few which are turned into houses and bird-watching posts

 

1620

Pilgrim fathers set up a draconian police state in the "new world" of America, one of them comes from Ely, and he was probably the one who suggested all the laws. They also find a lovely new place to set up slave plantationsÖ

 

1642

The English civil war starts, Parliament vs Monarchy, unfortunately there was a winner.

 

Janurary 30th 1649

Charles 1 loses the civil war and gets axed-literally!, Oliver Cromwell takes over the parliamentary armies-anarchists of the day go "bugger, we still have a government after all", except probably spelt badly, with a load of extra e's

 

September 3 1651

Oliver Cromwell rules the country after defeating Charles the 2nd in battle. His rule is even worse than the king's was, he also goes to Ireland and Scotland and kills loads of people. The trouble he caused in northern Ireland continues even now-some "hero". Meanwhile, everybody goes "Bugger, this blokes just as bad as the monarchy after all". Cromwell retires to the lovely location of Ely, where he lives in a Gift shop until his death.

 

1655

Jamaica "bravely liberated" by Britain, the colonialists get to try out their new rifles on people armed with spears and rocks. The people who don't get shot are made into slaves instead. Hundreds of years later, Jamaica is one of the only places in the world which is a trendy tourist spot AND still has the death penalty for homosexuality, the other place is the United States.

 

1658

Cromwell cops it, he is described by the Felney crier (distant ancestor of the herald) as "a great hero of the British empire", which had incidentally started to get underway by this time. Anarchists start rubbing their hands and going "Hm, now we can have no government if we play this right", they play it wrong and the monarchy is re-instated, except the only thing it has the power to do is take taxpayer's money.

 

1651

Britannia makes sure she rules the waves by banning every other country from sailing round in ships, unless they're delivering stuff to England.

 

1660

British "Privateers" (Pirates) steal stuff from other countries and kill people at random, this is secretly encouraged by the government and Freemasons (which may not have been invented at this time)-a bit like football hooliganism years later.

 

1664

"New Amsterdam" seized from the Dutch and renamed "New York", The people of Felney rejoice, conveniently forgetting that the Dutch helped them to have high quality farming land, which is incidentally all worked by slaves at the time.

 

1666

The great fire of London, the people of Felney send consolations, and slaves, to the Londoners

 

1672

Slaves become the biggest industry in Britain. One entrepreneur from Felney gets in on the act by trying to revive dead slaves using weird magical spells. He succeeds and zombies rampage round the village. Eventually they are all sealed away in a mass grave and the magic used to create them is destroyed (by the wizard, and 30 other people who looked "different", being shot by a Christian firing squad)

 

1690

War with France. Again.

 

1718

Convicted criminals transported to America. The Crier runs huge outraged articles about "Them" being "Given" "Free holidays"

 

1741

PM of Britain, Sir Robert Walpole, establishes a policy of laissez-faire, He is crushed by middle England for using French words, which they believe to be a sign of being " a wrong 'un", a sinister phrase which survives in the fens to this day. One day anybody who uses it will be shot by a firing squad of gay atheists, but unfortunately they can still get away with it for now.

 

1759

Quebec taken over by Britain. The British start a draconian fascist police state there which continues to this day, its just that the province is now predominantly French, but if it hadn't been inspired by the British empire it'd probably be one of these "democracy" things, to this day people there want the province to split off from the rest of Canada, but others don't, its kind of like the guided bus or wheelie bin debates in Cambridgeshire, only nastier.

 

1785

British imperialists realise India would be a good place to have as the centre of the empire. So they come down on the unsuspecting east India company like a ton of bricks all of a sudden. A company spokesman was reported to say "What the hell? We're just a tea company..." But its too late, and the British pass an "Act" named after India

 

1791

And one for Canada...

 

1800

Beginnings of the Industrial revolution, despite protestations by Christians machinery, factories, and science now rule society and genuine technological progress is made as the western world moves towards an era of democracy and freedomÖ the religious have been fighting against it ever since

 

1811

Luddites try to halt progress by destroying machinery. Their leader, "King ludd" is believed to be hiding in forests somewhere. He is in fact hiding in Felney.

 

1822

The steam engine introduced. The fens can be finally drained properly, and even more slaves sent to work on the land. Fenland people initially react badly to this "Great Dragon". But then their sisters turn 21 (they believe this should be the minimum consent age for sex) and suddenly they have "other things to do".

 

1830

The first ever railway is introduced, and so is the first ever delay as people wait 4 hours for a late train due to "the wrong type of cow" on the line

 

1838

Slavery abolished, lots of people in Felney go out of business. Huge amounts of black people killed brutally because the people of the fens cant bear to have "them" living there. And they still cant which is why people in the fens think racism is natural.

 

1859

Darwin's Origin of the species published. It is condemned by Christians as atheistic and immoral. The world begins to change as a new breed of people who realise that the concept of "god" is not nessicary emerge, unfortunately Christianity does not go into a complete decline right away, around 150 years later it is still here!

 

1870

The dogma of papal infallibility was proclaimed by the Vatican, this means whatever the pope sez goez, which is why the world is flat and all black people must be slaves ect.

 

1873

Mike smythe (the second XD) born in Felney 

 

1885

First practical motor car produced. The first car is bought to Felney by a mister B. Boy, who sticks some Bakelite spoilers and a gramophone on it and crashes it into a ditch

 

1891

Film invented, there are protests by the Fenland Union of Christian Killjoys (FUCK) who say that films could lead to pornography and the corruption of children. The same people later protested against Comics, Video, Computer games, The internet, DVD, Online comics, Online TV, Holodecks and everything else new and involving entertainment

 

1899

Mike smythe, now known as an eccentric inventor who created arguably the first ever mobile telephone, vanishes in an experimental "Time machine", the police are still looking for "A man in a suit and top hat with long brown hair in a ponytail"

 

1901

Queen Victoria dies, great mourning at the loss of the leader of the great empire. Also the Felney herald starts

 

1914

The British empire is at its largest ever size, nothing could possibly go wrong, could it? -Also, world war 1 starts..

 

1918

World war 1 ends, huge pressure and sanctions are put on Germany to "teach them a lesson", because if you put sanctions and restrictions on a country they cant possibly fight back, right?

 

1926

The general strike, Socialist, Communist and Green parties threaten to outlaw Classic cars, except there are only three classic cars in the world at this time. Luckily they are defeated, and democracy continues. Of course it takes until 2023 to sort it out properly, so racism, homophobia and war continue.

 

1929

Wall street cash in the US, In Felney "Bobs sludge", the largest provider of filth in the western world, starts to distribute muck to people, because you can always rely on sludge. The owner of bobs sludge, bob gates, moves to America after becoming richest man in the world, it is not known what his modern-day descendants are doing now

 

1932

The British union of fascists begins, headed by Oswald mosley. Just about everybody who lives in Felney joins up, though on their march down cable street in london they get the absolute shite kicked out of them, because thatís the only way to deal with them.

 

1939

World war 2 starts, and its proven sanctions and restrictions placed on countries only breed insane madmen who want to kill

 

1942

Felney hit by a German bomb, it causes 50p worth of damage, still the people who live there are glad that it landed on a gay persons house..well he might not have been, nobody knows who he was, which means there was probably something "wrong" with him

 

1945

-The end of world war 2, but also the death of Hitler. The people of Felney don't know weather to be happy or sad.

-Winston Churchill and other European leaders propose the creation of a "United states of Europe", a gigantic conglomerate of countries stuck together like an ill-fitting jigsaw, with the destruction of their individual cultures and identities (which are re-named "Racism"). And outlawing of classic cars, free speech and privacy. Thanks, Churchill, Thurchill.

 

1947

The first "practical" (if you have an empty 4-storey warehouse handy to keep it in) computers are invented. FUCK once again protests that machines which can think faster than humans can only possibly come from god, and that humans building such machines is a sin, they quote obscure bible passages and insist "read between the lines"

 

1948

1984 is released "The moral to be drawn from this story is a simple one...dont let it happen!"

 

1953

The structure of DNA is found out. At Huntingdon life sciences (Established the same year) Christians immediately start the Human genome project so that they can create biological weapons targeted at blacks and homosexuals. They receive £100 million in "good luck" funding from an anonymous contributor identifying himself only as "The pope", they get away with it because they say they are doing "essential medical research", but surely medical research would be carried out by atheists, as they actually care about people?

 

1955

The "gay language" Polari begins to appear, it manages to annoy people for several years.

 

1960

Attention deficit disorder (ADD) is invented, this is because some people where starting to become fun-loving and free thinking and weren't just staring straight ahead and blindly accepting everything the government told them. So what better way to stop their insubordination against the government than to say they have a disease and then start giving them drugs and electric shocks until they fall back into line.

 

1969

A government minister who travels to work on the London underground hears so much Polari on the train that he gets completely pissed off and homosexuality is legalised the next day to try and stop polari from spreading any further. This leads to mass protests by fascists and 200 suspected gays are killed in Felney. Also the Ford Capri is introduced

 

1970

Protests in Felney because it is now the 70's, and they're sure something "bad" will happen in the 70's, such as a new type of "rebellious rock music", or possibly "the coolest car ever" being produced, these where some of their predictions

 

1976

Punk starts. And ends, if you believe all the bigoted, stuck up scum who hate all music except one band of their choosing.

 

1977

The Ford Capri MK3 is introduced

 

September 5th 1977

Sunita Shankar is born in Middleford. Though her name is initially Tariq, she knows better XD.

 

1979

Margaret Thatcher becomes PM, at first this pisses off the people of Felney because she's female, but then they hear about her polices and are glad she is "putting the country back on its feet", or as most people who are not complete idiots interpret it: "knocking the country to its knees and putting a gun at its head"

 

1984

Rather worse than Orwell predicted

 

1985

An oil rig in the north sea loses radio contact, the SAS are sent out to find out what happens, only one comes back, telling tales of zombies and undead monsters. The SAS Zombie Taskforce is formed.

The BBC Broadcasts "Threads", a docu-drama about an atomic attack, which is essential viewing, except if you're a freemason, in which case you'll probably enjoy it.

 

1986

Ford stops making Capris, the recently-founded EU rubs their hands and conspires to eliminate all cool cars and force everybody to drive ugly, slow, whisper-quiet pieces of shit with loads of intrusive safety devices that wouldnít save you if you crashed at 60 anyway.

 

1988

Mike sees a UFO

 

May 2nd 1991

In a freak accident, a motorbike crashes on the M66 through Middleford, on the north wales border, the burning wreckage flies over the side and lands on a respected local businessman, killing him. At least it looked like it had, though those wounds looked like they where made by a knifeÖ

 

July 27th 1991

A gang of robbers who had just robbed Jameson International Security UK, a large company which specialises in transporting money, crashes their car while escaping from the police. One person survives, a 19 year old getaway driver, and he goes to jail for 10 years.

 

1992

Therapists keep trying to control mikes mind and tell him he actually did not see a UFO, he starts to distrust the government and eventually becomes an anarchist, he also has long hair and looks like a cutie ^.^ . Also the Zombie Taskforce has to attack a hospital which has become infested by zombies, or "terrorists" as they described it to the news XD

 

1993

The UK Independence Party is formed.

 

1994

The internet is invented, nobody notices, except FUCK, who burn 13 suspected computer users at the steak for suspected atheism (allegedly)(supposedly)(going on witness statements)(and all the witnesses later died)(of natural causes)

 

August 7th 1995

Aaron's parents discover he is gay

 

August 9th 1995

Aaron gets sent to a Social Services (SS) "Corrective institute for the sexually incorrect", Its a highly illegal and fascist institution, which uses "electric therapy" to correct "wrong" children that their masonic parents donít like. Such as Gays, Lesbians, those who fall in love with other races, or listen to Rock, or watch Horror movies, or read Classic Car magazines. It is run by "The Agency", a coalition of the British government, the Vatican and the Freemasons. Their vehicle is DAF Convoys and Ford Transits which are painted white, but have an orange bonnet. So if you see those little buses in Cambridge coming, run away!

 

October 15th 1995

The corrective institute "Accidentally" burns down. From the crisped corpses it's hard to tell weather or not all the inmates died in the fire. Also the 17 million pounds in hard cash the boss had all appears to have gone missing, but it is not known where he got all that money (the taxpayer only gives him 5 million a month!). 300 roofing companies shut down because their manager died.

 

October 18th 1995

Some nameless people buy a flat in London and reactivate long-dead bank accounts and things. The government realises they are escaped prisoners of the Corrective institute but obviously cant say anything, so Aaron and Tina get away with it. They buy their trusty white Lord Leone 2.0

 

1996

Mike buys his house, he is working as a shop assistant to "Bridge a gap" before he goes to university, at least that's what he tells the parents.

 

July 9th 1996

The Zombies become national news after an outbreak in the Fens, two people, Joyce Crayford and John Gunn, are amongst the survivors of the attack. The SAS zombie taskforce discover some mad scientist from the oil rig years ago was behind it, but they shot him, so the zombie menace should be over, right?

 

1997

Mike becomes a van driver, and breaks off all contact with his parents forever. They start to wish they'd actually asked for his house address. He also changes his phone number.

 

January 13th 1999

Tina meets her girlfriend, Ann

 

February 12th 2000

Steve Gunn, the son of Joyce and John, now married, is born.

 

January 25th 2001

The BBC does a documentary about "Rural idyllic communities". This week is Felney. It is the funniest pack of lies ever broadcast on Telly since the days of Thatcher

 

March 1st 2001

Their landlord converts to Christianity and Aaron and Tina are evicted

 

March 17th 2001

Aaron and Tina meet mike. After briefly explaining their stories he lets them live with him, because he's sweet. And he needs some people to also earn money so they can all pay the bills together and tell the council where to shove their Red notices

 

March 31st 2001

Tina makes a brief appearance on the E4 reality series "Drinking and driving", which follows the lives of a murderous band of Barry boys

 

May 5th 2001

Public pressure forces the owner of the local corner shop in Felney to sell the National front Nazi paper. But most of its articles are identical to ones in the sun anyway

 

May 19th 2001

The build up to the general election begins. I wonder who will win, it's so tense isn't it? *groan*

 

May 20th 2001

A mobile phone booster mast is built just opposite mikes house, and is in no way related to the fact he is a non-voting anarchist

 

May 26th 2001

The post office is bombed, again

 

June 7th 2001

The general election!

-Tony Blair wins the PM seat second time in a row

-Malcolm foss wins the Felney constituency 12th time in a row

-Mike finds out on June 8th cause he stays in bed all day

 

June 11th 2001

Mike spray paints an anarchy sign on the local school

 

June 12th 2001

The teachers cover it with a smiley face

 

June 17th 2001

A train announcer at Ely station is attacked by "A girl in black with red hair"

 

June 21st 2001

This should be mikes 26th birthday, but for some unknown reason him, Tina, Aaron and all the other Felney characters have stopped ageing

 

June 23rd 2001

An ancient evil known as "The conservative party" awakens the even ancienter and evilier Zombies who run riot in the village. Luckily for the villagers they have a rescue base to go to. Unluckily for Steve, Mike, Aaron and Tina they where never told about but, but manage to fight off all the zombies with the help of some fictional characters bought to life by mikes weird time machine thing he built instead of making a pipe bomb. Which is probably also the reason why they aren't ageing at all

 

July 14th 2001

Ann meets mike and starts to fancy him ^.^ but she's still an official lesbian at this point XD

 

July 15th 2001

The council erect "Nature trail" signs a mile apart and facing at each other

 

July 21st 2001

The RAF begin their annual "Lets make our planes go really loud" contest over the village

 

July 23rd 2001

Movie plus 12 shows a classical French lesbian movie that Tina wants to watch. Mike also does but for different reasons (well, kind of XD)

 

July 29th 2001

Food manufacturers must now put truthful labels on their products. This leads to quite a lot of bad jokes

 

August 12th 2001

Mike, Aaron, Tina and Ann go on holiday, and in an amazing coincidence traffic jams on the way to Cornwall are at their worst since recorded history began

 

August 19th 2001

A transsexual living in felney walks down a street. Which makes front page news in the Herald. A lynch mob comes out to try and kill her and some zombies appear to also kill her. Aliens land with the intention of helping out humanity and eliminating hunger and disease and poverty, take one look at the scene and decide humanity is killing itself so wont need it. They instead offer it to a small patch of mould on mars which is still alive underground, this mould becomes super-intelligent and starts building a 'spore empire' over the entire surface of mars XD

 

August 24th 2001

Aaron meets his boyfriend Vincent, who doesn't like to be called Vinny but everyone calls him that anyway XD

 

September 1st 2001

England defeats Germany 5-1 in football. Mikes neighbours Claw at the walls when Germany scores. Meanwhile a woman is arrested for brutally beating her child cause he "went on chatrooms". But she is later let off because there is no such thing as justice in this country.

 

September 11th 2001

Life becomes difficult for Left-wingers, Radicals, Middle eastern looking people and Different looking people. Christians start to kill Muslims, who fight back, and also the Jews and Muslims have been at each others necks for years anyway. Unfortunately it looks like there will be an actual winner and they wont just blow each other away.

 

September 24th 2001

A felney lynch mob meeting trashes mikes house, it takes him 4 days to put it right again, how convenient XD

 

September 30th 2001

The milkman overcharges a rich Italian family who live in the felney manor house for the last time...

 

October 8th 2001

Unusually high winds in felney cause bits to fall off all the poorly-constructed mobile phone masts, often onto the roofs of barry boys cars

 

October 29th 2001

A pirate TV channel "Channel felney" goes on the air, it shuts down later but a rumoured pirate radio station called "Anarchy FM" allegedly starts soon afterwards, mike smith from Felney has, naturally, nothing to do with this

 

November 5th 2001

Deirdre and Lionel Anderson, middle-class, masonic supporters of the "Gay correction" institutes are injured in a firework "Accident",

 

November 10th 2001

Lionel dies from his injuries, what a shame. 300 Roofing companies close down cause their manager went bust.

 

November 12th 2001

An armed madman rampages through a local branch of the social services killing 12 parasitical, money-wasting, EU-loving subhumans, sorry, social workers. An anonymous civilian prankster recommends him for the distinguished service medal (DSM) to the military.

 

November 18th 2001

Aaron has the best orgasm ever had by any human ever to celebrate...he doesn't quite know, but it was special and vinny liked it too XD

 

December 1st 2001

A new mobile phone mast as tall as Blackpool tower is erected in Felney on the site of the old one. It falls down a few seconds later

 

December 15th 2001

Mike, in true anti Christmas spirit, puts up one set of Christmas lights when everyone else in the village has their house done up like Santa's grotto. Apparently to make up for lacking in certain other areas XD (yep, they all have skodas, but not 1.3 favorit mean machines like my mate has) ((so dont kill me mikie XD))

 

December 17th 2001

Ann admits to herself she is biÖ and tires mike out "catching up" throughout the entire Christmas season

 

December 22nd 2001

SNOW!!!!!

 

December 25th 2001

The queen decides to remove all subtlety from her speech this year, it now reads "Obey or die Obey or die Obey or die..."

 

December 27th 2001

Ann finally puts mike down (yep, the last frame of the December 17th issue didn't happen the same day XD)

 

December 31st 2001

Mike and Aaron ponder philosophical points. What will the world be like the same time next year, will it even still be here? And why will they still be 25 when they should be 27 by that time?

 

January 5TH 2002

An earthquake in India means people are kind to Steve, the corner shop owner. Despite two important facts

1-he's from London

2-He has no relatives, or friends, or anything anywhere in Asia XD

 

January 7th 2002

Gay times admit they're a boring grey tory-voting publication. Vinny buys one just to take the piss, its the only time him or Aaron ever buys a mainstream gay mag

 

January 12th 2002

Acclaimed soap opera "grim-fucking-northern-town-where-everything-gets-fucked-up enders" broadcasts its controversial storyline where a boy who is "sevuntain" falls in love with a girl who is only "fuhrtain". It ends with the girls parents following the standard government-approved procedure for the circumstances. IE Locking the girl in a room, giving her cigarette burns and forcing her to stand in a bucket of icy water until she dies upset and alone while the boy is sent to jail as a "paedophile rapist" where he is murdered by thugs who where paid off by the Sun to do it. Robin crook applauds the storyline and says "Let this be a warning to any children who dare to dabble in the dark and evil unchristian practice of 'love' "

 

February 11th 2002

The annoying guy who travels with mike in his van "Disappears"

 

March 9th 2002

Some foxhunters are killed in an "accident" where somebody "accidentally" replaces the airbag in their landrover with a bomb

 

March 17th 2002

Vinny gets a job going in Mikes van for G.I.T

 

March 30th 2002

G.I.T decides to make their drivers wear cute bunny ears for Easter. Vinny melts.

 

March 31st 2002

The queen mum dies, huge crowds of people absolutely fail to turn up to sign the books of condolence to her. What a shame. 300 Roofing companies go bust because they lost their manager.

 

April 7th 2002

"Accidental" fire at Center parcs turns out to be caused by some utter idiot making an improvised missile by taping a load of Poppers together.

 

April 22nd 2002

Jean marie le pen's "Freedom" party make it to the final round of the general election. Loads of people vote for Chriac's party (Tories) just to keep the Nazis out. Meanwhile in felney the people don't know weather to support le pen cause he's a nazi or hate him cause he's not English. It doesn't matter because he loses anyway

 

April 30th 2002

A bloke called Captain capitali$m comes to Felney, he dies after smoking a joint laced with kyriptonite

 

May 12th 2002

There is some "slight" disruption to rail services after a train crash

 

June 4th 2002

Some pranksters on a river Thames tour boat start playing Sex pistols songs at top volume because its the jubilee

 

June 21nd 2002

"Svengland" is knocked out of the world cup, but Mike, Tina and Aaron don't notice and are a bit bemused when they are suddenly booted from the hotel the next day

 

June 26TH 2002

A huge meteor is found to be heading towards earth with the ability to destroy all life as we know it, everything on the planet would change if such a disaster where to happenÖ everything except the fens that is

 

June 29th 2002

A very hot day leads to trains being delayed, apparently the heating would overheat, although they fail to realise there's no point in having the heating on if its a hot day

 

August 3rd 2002

A new Anglia TV series called "Stanley thristwaites moral advice" is broadcast in association with the Anglia news. For some reason the series is broadcast from buses, and this week the bus from Ely to Felney is chosen, which means Aaron and one of his friends/sort-of lovers get to listen to his mad ranting

 

August 4th 2002

"A man in a suit and top hat with long brown hair in a ponytail" is run over by the 2:30 from Kings cross, police are still trying to identify him

 

August 10th 2002

Because two girls have gone missing in the local area Aaron and Tina are put under constant police surveillance, because gay people have a "high tendency to perversion" according to an 'expert' in the matter who identifies himself only as "the pope"

 

September 15th 2002

Ann and Tina and then Aaron and a surfer guy he meets break the record for "most sex had on a one-week holiday", though Ann and Tina make up 99% of that, as only two women could XD

 

September 17th 2002

Aaron and the rest stop off and Vinny's and meet his friend Mei, who likes to live with a gay guy so she can run her own gay amateur porn site, and wank a lot. She is only just beaten on the hornyness scale by Ann XD

 

September 23rd 2002

An earthquake measuring 4.6 on the richter scale hits the fens just as Ann and Tina reach orgasm, mike gets to make a "Did the earth move for you?" joke. Nobody laughs.

 

September 30th 2002

A mystery white van driver is mounting a campaign of terror on Mike and Aaron for unknown reasons

 

October 5th 2002

Said van runs over vinny, but he escapes with minor leg injuries. He reports it to the police finally, and they rather surpsingly actually listen even after finding out he is gay. But then they're the Cambridge police and not from the Fens

 

October 7th 2002

The van manages to wreck two police cars and kill several people while escaping a chase. The hold up makes it hell for Aaron and Vinny to get home. Mike decides to go for a burger because they're taking so long when the van shows up and begins chasing them and trying to kill them both. Eventually mike rams it off the road by accident (lucky he was in his VW van XD) and they find out the crazy driver is Aaron's mum, Deirdre. She dies from her injuries and they all live happily ever after, And Aaron accidentally gives her a free cremation by blowing up a gas cylinder trapped underneath the wreck. I've just realised that Deirdre is the name of the subhuman who writes for the sun who encourages dads to divorce mums to marry their secretary, and fuck up their kids lives, but on the other hand, hates swinging. Which would be more harmful?

 

November 2nd 2002

A masked madman babbling "make connection work or die" attacks a local "broadband in your area" conference and hospitalises 3 people. Police are looking for "a man who was seen in the area wearing dirty orange overalls and had long brown hair in a ponytail hanging out the back of his hood"

 

November 4th 2002

A bunch of Barry boys burn down the post office, again

 

November 8th 2002

The manor public school has an "accidental" fire in its store room

 

November 15th 2002

The only time mike ever lets Aaron do anything sexual with him. And its only because he's too busy playing GTA Vice city to wank himself so Aaron steps in

 

November 16th 2002

Myra hindley dies, nobody really cares.

 

 January 3rd 2003

A part of Huntingdon life sciences 'mysteriously' explodes after somebody 'must have gotten to' the gas cylinders which where delivered there in a G.I.T van

 

January 20th 2003

A "new" satellite channel, FEN starts, which broadcasts skateboarding and early rap stuff from 1991 America, especially the stuff that resulted when Christians started to hijack it to make themselves look trendy, but they really just look like even bigger pricks than usual. Of course such an amazingly SHIT channel wouldnít last long in real life would it? (I'm looking at you, BEN)

 

January 25th 2003

Mike and some friends steal a big pink limo from Elton john and cruise the motorways in it, throwing phonebook sized gay mags out of the window at people, then crash it. They are never caught because the only person who knew it had been stolen was in the boot at the time XD

 

February 15th 2003

Aaron visits a gay pride rally, where he listens to some BNP cunt rant on about how asylum seekers are "taking over", then is herded into a room with a few hundred other droids to watch a movie of people on a 70's gay pride riot being shot by cops, and then the boss of calvin klien appears and tells them to calm down, because as long as CK exists there can be no individuality among gay people, and therefore no questioning of the government, he becomes pretty disillusioned by the gay movement after that

 

March 14th 2003

Doctors invent a new device which can be 'installed' in people and knocks them out if they ever get too excited, they hope it will result in all of the working class populace being forced into docile submission by the government, with no chance of protests, or lawbreaking, or anything exciting

 

March 23rd 2003

A few days into the second gulf war, soldiers find no weapons of mass destruction anywhere in Iraq, though on the news they get to broadcast grainy green pictures of flashes of light against a city skyline and go on about how it "Clearly shows" that bombers are not hitting any civilian buildings

 

April 7th 2003

Dumpcar forest (an unfortunate name really, its mostly full of fridges) is awarded SSSI status

 

Apri 8th 2003

Dumpcar forest is sold for development by a housing company

 

April 25th 2003

Several old people who fought in the war so that the British people could have freedom of choice get annoyed that they are actually using this freedom of choice to by Japanese cars ect, so start a society called the Felney anti-Japanese society in a bid to tell people what to do, and if anyone doesnít agree with them they force them into slave labour with no food or water.

 

May 3rd 2003

Today is the day of the local elections to elect local MP's around the country, in the Ely ward the Tories unsurprisingly win again

 

May 23rd 2003

The new UK series of "Big brother starts"Ö what a load of SHIT! (Yes, "we" have big brother here too, it was invented in Britain, so now you know who to blame!)

 

May 24th 2003

TATU are kicked out of the Eurovision song contest because they where going to kiss onstage, which would go against the "Family friendly" (Racist) status of the show, and also because the people who run the contest found out that people actually liked TATU and brought their CD's, which means they couldnít possibly be part of the contest XD 

 

 July 10th 2003

..Still no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq..

 

July 17th 2003

The scientist who had led the investigation into claims Iraq had WMD's in the first place, and found they where highly unlikely to, "Commits suicide".

 

July 31st 2003

Mike meets Aaron's friend, Zack, they watch a shit movie, then go home and the night progresses "positively", for Yaoi fans anyway, not for Mike, or alcohol companies.

 

August 14th 2003

The tabloids run huge, bullshit articles about how children who like dressing up like adults are being "Prematurely sexualised". The Express, Daily Mail and other racists demand an immediate end to the production of girls dressing-up clothes, and toy cars, and baby dolls.

 

September 1st 2003

Half of Felney gets into a shouting match about fuck-knows-what. Probably somebody slept with somebody else's sister, rather than his own, which bought the fat, ugly, stinking families out in the streets to walk up and down screeching at each other in the middle of the road. Meanwhile the few civilised people in the village kept their heads down, listened to Iron Maiden and updated their websites about the fens XD.

 

September 5th 2003

After employing several consultancy firms and spending a total of £185,000, East Cambs District Council decide to renovate the Jubilee gardens, and paint the top of the bandstand red instead of yellow. Market research finds that this gives the area a more pleasing aura and that the tree spirits are more at rest. The market research head at ECDC is a total loony.

 

September 7th 2003

The BNP win a seat on Newcastle council, after a record (low) 12% turnout, 5 people voted for them, two of which turn up to the celebratory speech, where they are heard to comment "Is this the right place for Des o Connor?". The new BNP councillor is pleased with his new powers, and immediately has all the wheelie bins painted white. Then goes on a 16-month cruise to Barbados, paid for by the tax payer. Nice work if you can get it.

 

September 21st 2003

A young-looking man in Cambridgeshire is arrested for using the petrol pumps, and they thought he was under 16. They ignored the fact he had just drove into the station in a Land Rover

 

September 26th 2003

The bigoted, thatcherite law "Section 28" is abolished forever, thanks to the glorious efforts of Atheists. Unfortunately a law which does the complete opposite, and bans "Incitement to homophobic hatred" is likely to be introduced, which will ban gay jokes and The Macc Lads, which are both things I like, but I vote UKIP so I "must be" a racist.

 

September 27th 2003

Ford announces a new version of the Capri, its fucking ugly, will be way too luxurious and over-priced and expensive to run (a 1300 or even 1600 version? you're joking!). It will probably have normal suspension as well, and be front-wheel drive.

 

October 10th 2003

A BNP-voting ape man kills his son because he was gay. He is not arrested.

 

October 17th 2003

Christians start "Marriage protection week", an attempt to ban gay marriage. Atheists support it, because people will realise how bigoted, ridiculous and out-of-touch Christians are and become atheists themselves, which will lead to a glorious victory and establishment of global free thought and free speech.

 

October 22nd 2003

The BBC broadcasts a show that shows some people in training to be police officers making racist comments, this is not acceptable to police chiefs and the government. Because they believe the police should be arresting anybody who makes racist comments. By racist comments I mean using words like "England" and "Feet" and "Pounds".

 

October 24th 2003

Concorde is banned from flying, there are a number of reasons behind this:

-Only one of them crashed in 40 years of safe service, but the EU airline safety commissioners are unable to look at anything other than the worst case scenario. An Airbus crashes every month or so, but Airbus gave them a bigger bribe.

-Concordes are operated by "British Airways" and "Air France", these names are racist, they should read "Eurozone 12 airways" and "Air Eurozone 4"

-Concordes where made more than 20 years ago, so are automatically obsolete and must be scrapped. They want to apply this law to cars as well!

 

November 4th 2003

The Guardian are banned from printing a story about how Prince Charles fucked his butler up the arse. They take cheap shots at UKIP, calling them "An extremist BNP-lite" instead.

 

November 16th 2003

The government proposes banning under 16 year olds from kissing, and prosecuting them for rape if they do. No, this bit is not a joke, or a twisting of the truth, IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. This country is FUCKED! Also a show on channel 4 suggests making the age of consent 12, one rational voice against the tide of hate.

 

November 27th 2003

FCUK t-shirts, despite being on sale for years and years with no trouble, are taken off the shelves after racists complain about the "swear word". Quick on the up-take, they are. Also around this time (well, it happened in the early 21st century some time) an Asian clothes designer in cambridgeshire makes a range of t-shirts with PAKI emblazoned across them, on the pretense that "Pakistan" means "Land of the pure" so "Paki" just means "Pure". He was probably arrested for "inciting racial hatred".

 

December 10th 2003

DOOM, the game that inspired every act of violence in history ever (maybe) is 10 years old today.

 

December 13th 2003

The day Britain stopped

 

February 17th 2004

East Cambs District Council considers moving from their offices from the centre of Ely to a field, miles from anywhere and not on any public transport routes, and with no car parking, and surrounded by a 12-ft high concrete wall. It will enable them to be "more in touch with the local community".

 

February 21st 2004

A possible vaccine for some kinds of cancers is discovered, hailed as a major medical breakthrough. Except by Christians who consider it to be dangerous and immoral and against god's plan.

 

March 1st 2004

Popular band TATU fire their scummy manager, who was featured on Rouge Traders. In Russia. But different and about the music business, and called something different too. Then they blow him up with a rocket launcher while saying really silly phrases. Maybe. One of the things he did was deliberately chased controversy and tried too hard to offend and shock people, and thatís my job!

 

March 12th 2004

A science teacher who was the subject of a disgusting vendetta by a vile, ambulance chasing, homophobic parasite (sorry "A Muslim") is found innocent by the courts, in a glorious victory for atheism. She will have a statue in "Victory Square" in Turing, the capital city of the gay homeland, Homonia, when it is founded in 2040 XD.

 

March 16th 2004

The Americans get pissed off because Spanish people elect somebody who does not blindly obey George Bush. Unfortunately the USA has not been kicked out of the UN yet, its not like they want to be in it anyway. The UN HQ should be moved to, say, Plymouth XD.

 

March 24th 2004

A bunch of vile(olent), ambulance-chasing homophobic parasites (sorry "The Israeli government") blow up an 80 year old man in a wheelchair because he maybe said something bad about them. Leaders of the EU where said to have contacted Ariel Sharon for "pointers".

 

March 29th 2004

The Oxford and Cambridge boat race!. Neither one sinks, but the captains swear almost constantly on live TV, so it was still pretty entertaining. Insert joke about "I donít know what was more blue, the water or the language" here. Except Ken Livingstone has banned the water in London from being blue, in case it offends Muslims, it must be a neutral beige, and a highly toxic dye is pumped in which kills loads of marine life. Which he blames on classic cars and UKIP.

 

April 2nd 2004

Tina (oh my god, there was a comic about the actual Felney characters for once) goes to some pointless, time-wasting "How to get a job" class. Except they donít tell you about CV's or interviews etc, you just sit around in a room with loads of Farmers, Racists and Ex-cons, reading out of date job papers. Then the police come in and question you for benefit fraud. But they donít go and investigate dodgy travellers, who can afford a Bentley but get their kids to be taken to school in a council-funded taxi, because that would be "inciting racial hatred".

 

April 30th 2004

Some councillor gets in hot water after saying that a crappy housing estate, built on a toxic-contaminated landfill site, was "only fit for pakis". Meanwhile tabloids run huge outraged articles about how "asylum seekers" (read: any immigrant, legal or not, who is not white, and eastern Europeans) being "given" free council houses (isn't that the idea of council houses?). The two stories couldnít be connected could they?

 

May 13th 2004

Mike hears a train's horn, then a huge bang, near Ely station, he goes in to see if there was a train crash, and if he could help get survivors out, but it turns out it was only another lorry hitting the bridge XD.

 

May 17th 2004

A bunch of vile, ambulance-chasing, homophobic parasites (sorry "Some Christians") claim that gay marriage will "Tear the church apart", therefore Atheists immediately rush to support it XD

 

May 22nd 2004

"Queuing woman", the symbolic victim of bureaucracy (and uncontrollably fluffy hair) gives birth to twins. These twins will move to Homonia where they will have daughters of their own. Who will work for 'sex theme parks', in the 2060's XD. Also one will drive a 100-year-old Ford Cortina every day XD. Meanwhile Queuing woman moves to Wolverhampton. Wonder what she'll get up to?

 

June 2nd 2004

Parking is pretty limited in Ely, but luckily there is a giant car park near broad street (which, thanks to EU traffic-bottle-necking schemes, is very narrow). So where do the council decide to set the shitty funfair up? You have two guesses and it isn't "The green in front of the Lady chapel, because that would lower the tone". Yeah fuck off you Christian scum, your opinions mean nothing, your only purpose in life is to scrub up your admittedly pretty buildings for us to look at. I WANNA SEE MY FACE IN THAT TRANSEPT!

 

June 3rd 2004

Mike meets a cute girl from Guangdong in China, who dresses him up in her clothes, how cute *-* . She gets pissed off by the shitty cars we have in Europe and goes back to where they have things that have the bodies of 80's Nissans and the technology of 40's Morris Minors XD. Admittedly the other way round would be the ideal car.

 

June 19th 2004

Mike gets into Video Nasties XD. At around the same time as the real life mike. He also gave up being an Anarchist around this time too, about 6 months after the real life mike XD. But Felney didnít continue after this so it doesnít matter XD. In fact at the time of writing this segment (8th september 2005) he has never been seen in the comic again XD.

 

November 6th 2004

There is controversy over the prospect of a gypsy site being made in the village, because they reckon gypsies are racist, homophobic thugs who leave litter everywhere, damage property, walk around other people's gardens and land like they own it, steal, intimidate people. Plus they always have another, bigger, uglier family member to pull out of the house/car to come and beat you up if you complain. But then realise thatís exactly what the normal residents of Felney are like.

 

January 13th 2005

A bunch of parasitical scum, feeding off the glorious achievements of a gay atheist, sorry, "some Christians", post the names and addresses of various BBC workers on the internet before they show "Jerry Springer: The opera". A musical experience thatís only slightly less sweary than "The Lads From Macc" by the Macc Lads. Of course that is not the exact tactics used by a bunch of parasitical scum feeding off the acheivements of a gay atheist, sorry, done it again, I mean "Racists". Or, indeed, the tactics of a bunch of parasitical scum feeding off the achievements of a gay atheist who drove a 1940's car, oops, slipped up again, I mean "Communists".

 

February 2nd 2005

People who normally complain about how political correctness stops them from saying racist things, suddenly get in an uproar when the leader of the Conservative party is depicted as a pig in a poster, because he's a jew and apparently thatís a bad insult to a jew. The Cops donít like it much either.

 

February 15th 2005

Prince Charles has no money, so gets married to Camilla Parker Bowles, who will undoubtedly be involved in an "accident" in 2007. His butler was heard to say "He never writes, he never callsÖ".

 

February 18th 2005

In a glorious victory for atheism, Fox hunting is banned. Many subhuman thug-4-rent neo-nazi "Hunt stewards" complain they will be out of a job, some even threaten to kill themselves, that would be a shame wouldnít it?

 

March 12th 2005

The head of the commission for Racial Equality suggests that black and white students in schools should be separated into black and white only classes, well not everybody is suited to their job. Felney school actually tries it, for their one black student. Unfortunately for the teacher, the history lessons had just got up to Martin Luther King.

 

April 2nd 2005

The pope dies, and meets Vishnu and Shiva. It is believed he made the comment "Oh BOLLOCKS!". Unfortunately they found a new pope, rather than just calling an end to Christianity there and then (yes, yes, I know you hate your denomination to be lumped in with Catholicism, but you are a Christian, so you are WRONG)

 

May 24th 2005

The worst, shittiest TV show EVER, "Celebrity Love Island" starts, Jordan is heard to say "They're a bunch of talentless, fame-hungry no-marks desperate to get back in the public eye again". Yes, you did read that right!

 

September 5th 2005

The BBC docu-drama Threads is re-released on DVD, Buy it!

 

September 7th 2005

Some teenagers die when they crash their Peugeout 106. The Daily Mirror suggests banning teenagers from driving "High performance" (er?) cars. They probably want old cars to be melted down when they reach a certain age too, and to ban all classics, because they are scum.

 

July 23rd 2014

Britains new puppet Prime Minister is "elected" (appointed by the EU). Great Britain ceases to exist as it becomes a part of the European super police-state. Most of the British countryside has vanished under characterless housing estates, classic cars are banned and melted down, freedom of speech and movement is abolished and CCTV monitors every street. Some other EU government policies introduced in the preceding months weeks of 2013 and 2014 include:

-Women must be covered up at all times, and houses where women live must have the windows painted over, so that no children can see any bare skin and become 'prematurely sexualised'. Also to avoid offending Muslims.

-The age of consent for sex is raised to 21, or 30 for gay people

-The police are given sweeping new powers to monitor, search and arrest anyone without trial, charge, evidence or even a crime, this is instituted to protect people's civil rights, such as the freedom to walk around without being arrested

-It is now a crime to talk to anyone a different age on the internet, because anyone older than you is a paedophile, and anyone younger might be raped by you. Also if anyone tries to open any mp3 file on their computer they are automatically reported to the police by NetProtekt, the new system installed in all PC's and Macs to ensure they are "Always up to date and virus free". It also logs everything to type, every site you visit and copies every file on your computer and sends it to the EU central computer watchdog (housed across the road from Cambridge Regional College, Kings hedges, Cambridge, Eurozone 12). If you have anything that criticises the EU, or is pornographic and there are people under 21 in your house, or either house next door, or is an mp3 file (even if it is one you recorded yourself, or is one made by a band who want to give away their songs for free), you get arrested.

-Children must not be seen or heard, ever, until they are 21, this is to prevent paedophiles snatching them, also nobody can ever reveal any details about a child, even the child themselves, this includes name, age, address, sex, or what they're interested in. This makes children's TV shows, such as Blue peter, become rather 'interesting', with blacked out children speaking through actor's voices, bleeping out what their age is, and where they are from.

-People are forced to install special "two-way home entertainment units" in every room of their house, these bullet-proof screens display important news and government announcements at all times and cannot be turned off, or down. They also allow the police to monitor every room of the users house, to prevent break-ins, or paedophiles getting their children. Despite being compulsory, you have to pay £500 for each one.

-Congestion charges are introduced in all major cities throughout Europe. People are forced to use the inadequate and under-funded public transport, the money from the congestion charging, ostensibly to fund public transport, vanishes. The EU leaders all get their own personal 76.83 Metre luxury yachts.

-Using the name England, or Britian, is incitement to racial hatred, the island is now called Eurozone 12

-"Pay as you go" road tax charges people Ä5 for every kilometre they drive "during peak hours", this is supposed to make road tax cheaper, but as everybody drives "in peak hours" to GO TO WORK it actually becomes much more expensive. The EU leaders buy Helicopters for their Yachts.

-Tax on petrol is raised to 600%, this is to reduce pollution. The government also burns huge piles of tyres to stop people from driving and causing more pollution. Tax on LPG and Fuel cell cars is raised to a mere 599% instead. The EU leaders get their luxury yachts to have crews dressed in personalised uniforms, and they are decked out with the finest leather seats, shag pile carpets and state of the art entertainment systems. Average railway journey times are now 20 minutes per Kilometre and there are three buses to every 500 people across Zone 12.

-Cars which are over 20 years old cannot get an MOT any more, and owners are forced to immediatley scrap any car which does not have one, the amount of classic cars in Zone 12 declines by several hundred, and a few types are entirely destroyed. Motor museums, such as Beauleiu, are closed down for "inciting racial hatred" (for displaying cars such as Rovers, which have the now-illegal Union Jack flag on them) and all their cars are seized and crushed.

 

July 24th 2014

A woman in Wolverhampton, queuing up for a Burkha from the EU (All women in the Eurostate are forced to wear them, so Muslims aren't offended and children donít get 'prematurely sexualised' by seeing a woman's naked flesh) snaps and kills several police officers, the Great Revolution has begun!. The newly-formed Revolutionary group, named Wolf Force, with a logo that looks very similar to the Wolves football team logo, spreads the fire of dissent across Zone 12, aka Great Britain. Eventually most of the police and army also defect and the EU police state is crushed, and the people of Europe are free from PC-Slavery. But the corrupt, power-mad leaders of the EU have gone into hiding, and "Fortress Brussels", a building that looks like the EU parliament, is built in the deserts of Afghanistan. Loyalists to the cause of abolishing Democracy from all over the world declare solidarity with them, and an uneasy post-revolutionary peace descends upon the world.

  

2020

Loyalists to the EU, who have become named "Stealth Force", after the popular EU policy of "Stealth Taxes", explode into rebellion across Europe. In the USA Christian Fundamentalists join hands with their Muslim Fundamentalist brothers in the EU and Middle east, their leaders declaring "We'll wipe out Democracy and Faggots first, and then carry on killing each other". In the Far east and Russia the remaining loyalists to Communism also join the struggle, vowing to outlaw Classic Cars and Free Speech once and for all. Somehow the three all end up joining together under the same banner, World War 3 has begun!.

 

August 8th 2023

World war 3 ends in victory for Wolf Force, and Demoracy is restored or created across the planet. A soldier named Steve Gunn is hailed as a hero of the war, having lived through some of its fiercest battles to strike (often personally) at the enemy where it hurts the most. He was probably using IDDQD

 

September 11th 2023

Stealth force re-emerges as a criminal organisation demanding a return to the old ways of 2014, its new leader is called Kate thristwaite, who comes from felney. Kate's daughter tells wolf force where she is hiding (her house, felney) and it is bombed

 

2024

Steve Gunn quits the army and joins the NYPD, where he helps to bring down rebel groups that are part of "neo stealth-force", as well as general lowlifes.

Watling car company starts, now that the EU has been destroyed. they make old-style cars with (some!) modern technology, their "manifesto" reads:

-All cars must have a gear stick in the middle at the front, with 3-5 forward gears and one reverse. Automatic gearboxes are an affront to all standards of taste and decency.

-Rear wheel drive is the only way!. Except in the Watling Minny, which is a re-make of the REAL Mini, by Morris, Austin and Rover.

-Power steering can be turned off if it is not wanted

-There are no safe cars, only safe drivers

-Airbags are no excuse for ugly steering wheels, all steering wheels must have chrome in them

-"Chrome surrounded" dials must actually be surrounded by chrome and not plastic spray-painted silver. Same goes for bumpers

-A dashboard with no wood (or at least fake wood) is a crime against humanity

-All cars must have 'sporty' sounding exhausts, the Morris minor did and that couldnít do 80

-Padding is more important than 'ergonomics' on seats

-Visibility is more important than roll-over protection

-Plastic wheel trims are an affront to the human race, all Watling cars without alloys have steels that look like Rostyles.

 

2035

Steve gunn is shot while trying to stop some zombies created by a madman in america using the same formula used by stealth force, He is buried, but secretly cryogenically frozen along with his gun, called "The gun" (how imaginitive), secret documents are filed away saying that the government are leaving this "Legendary warrior" to future generations

 

2041

Homonia, the homeland for gay people, is founded in a Britain-sized rectangle of land on the eastern Siberian coast, where nobody lives, loads of the world's gay people move there. Things that also move there are the Watling car company, along with all the old names they bought (Morris, Austin, Rover, MG, Wolesley, Riley, Jaguar, Triumph and Hillman), and loads of science companies, enjoying research without any interference from Religion (which is illegal there). Another place that starts up is the "Shag Shack", which is a giant building where people can just have huge orgies in giant padded rooms XD.

 

2060

Mike, in his old age, tries to "beef up" his car (still a Peugeot 305 saloon from 1981, he hid it from the EU) to take Tina, Aaron, Vinny and Ann around quicker, none of them survives

 

2087

Light and faster-than-light speed travel is discovered to be possible after all, using a new type of conventional-physics-defying engine called the "Reallyfast drive". A spaceship called the HMS Lionheart, which is a passenger cruiser, vanishes into "a weird wormhole thing"

 

2100

Hyperspace is discovered, this allows spaceships to travel trough another dimension and sort of go "straighter than straight" and get to destinations faster, couple this with faster-than-light travel and you have something that allows interstellar space travel to be like getting the bus into the next town

 

2153

A new type of spaceship, called the Spectra class, is being tested, one of the 3 spectra class ships vanishes into "a weird wormhole thing"

 

2167

Contact is made with FW, or Forest Warriors (I was 11, okay??), who have set up base on a planet called Nirisan, they are made up of people from the spectra, and their supreme warlord is Mike smith, the 5th, XD. The native people of Nirisan have allowed FW to set up on their planet, and a few of them even joined FW. Eventually the two merge and form the planet's government. The people of Nirisan look like humans, but they are green, and have Chlorophyll in their skin XD.

 

2200

The Galactic government is formed from people from earth (Humans), Felitra (Felitrons, or cat people), and Terralis (Terralians), and FW, along with many other people, becomes allied with them. Together this galactic government has spanned and explored just about all of the milky way galaxy. There are various pirate organisations such as Spyrius (who I stole from Lego XD) who are trying to rob and kill people, but the combined forces of the galactic government come together to stop them.

 

26th November 2239

An alien force called Starkill (okay, I must have been about 9 then..) attacks the milky way, it turns out they already run 5 galaxies and are basically taking over anything and everything. A large space war against them starts off. They have really big ship called the Terminator, which can destroy planets

 

2245

Starkill is stopped when the terminator spaceship is destroyed after a big battle, and there is no more people to war against and no more real criminals, a new era of anarchism starts, this time spanning an entire galaxy

 

2380

People decide that anarchism is quite boring cause there's nobody to overthrow, and a new government starts. Due to unreliable knowledge of the past it is believed that the TV licensing agency where the ultimate power in the past, and so they become the new government and capitalism is restarted. Unfortunately (for them!) its very successful capitalism and everyone becomes a millionaire, so the corporations and government just make everything cost loads and loads of money. The law becomes enforced by a group called "The pigs", but people call them "The police" to insult them

 

2382

Mike smith the, er, 10th born in a city on earth called New felney. Its quite a backwards city, they reckon its immoral for holograms and droids to fall in love and keep whinging on about "I remember when all this where solar panels"

 

4th December 2407

Mike moves to Planet felney to go to university there, he moves in with Aaron, a younger guy also from earth, and Vinny, a felitron, who are gay and really horny XD, but that doesnít bother him because he is bi, unlike all the previous mikes

 

10th December 2407

Aaron becomes oddly obsessed with not being seen as lazy, so he stores his christmas tree in the loft even though itís just a holo-emitter the size of a credit card

 

19th Feburary 2408

The TV licensing agency finds out that Aaron and Vinny donít have a TV licence, so they beam up mike where their leader, Darth foss, attempts to kill him, but mike manages to escape by dropping a crate on his head, thinking the 'release' control is a lightsaber. Then a new rebel group called "People who donít pay for their TV licenses against the nazis" (more unreliable knowledge of the past at work) make themselves known by attacking the TV licensing spaceship. Mike finds out a girl called Mei yonghong (daughter of one of the people who done good out of capitalism, Lu yonghong, who runs a fishing corporation on an ocean planet) is one of them, he also finds out she's even more horny than the old mei XD

 

9th June 2408

Mike decides to get a job with G.I.T. Space transport, so he does

 

18th June 2408

On his first day on the job the ship mike is on board gets attacked by the pigs in their spaceship, HMS illustrious, on suspcion of being pirates, even though they have unloaded all their cargo by then and the ship is empty. The captain, Captian steel, gets fed up with his stupid crew and comes over to the GIT ship himself, where mike tricks him into being trapped in his little shuttlecraft. Meanwhile Baz, who is mikes pilot, tricks the illustrious into flying to a sector on the other side of the galaxy. The first officer of the illustrious, Bill biker, thinks if they fly directly into a star with their sheilds calibrated right they will jump forwards to the sector in mere minutes..

(breif jump back in time)

150 Million BCE

HMS Illustrious arrives at its destination, just a few million years too early, but this doesnít bother the crew too much because theyre busy contending with a small side effect of flying into a star, namley being turned into blackened skeletons standing in piles of ash

140 Million BCE

HMS illustrious crashes into the jungle which will one day become the North sea, Earth

(Back to the 'present')

Meanwhile Mike and Baz go outside to fix damage to their engines done by the ion cannons on the Illustrious, except captain steel gets out of his shuttle and flies off in the GIT spaceship. Mike and Baz have to hitch back to planet felney, and they get fired, then Aaron and Vinny are too busy sucking each other to even care about how bad mikes day went

 

2638

Mike dies at the ripe old age of 256

 

June 21st 678909

The sun explodes, taking much of the solar system with it

 

August 3rd 943825523

A coulumnist in the Ely weekly news says he supports Gay marrage

 

June 18th 534257825835

A male with long hair walks through Felney and doesnít get ANY dirty looks

 

1 Minute before the end of time

Someone, somewhere, says "Its in bad taste to write something like that after 9/11"

 

The end of time

The universe ends, on penalties

 

10 Minutes after the end of time

Cabaret